- Call to Order:
o 'TAP, TAP, TAP...Is this mike on?'
- Creed: Yes, you must recite it with me...this serious business...whose snickering back there? Right foot on your scale...
o I am a Scale Whore. I wear this title with pride. Keeping track of my weight and use of a scale is an important tool in my journey toward or at a healthy weight. I am only one of many others like me and together we are a group. Although our journeys and choices may be different, we are bonded together by the common strategy of keeping a careful eye on our weight. I will share freely and will educate others on my strategies so that others may learn from my experiences. I will accept, respect and support my fellow Scale Whores regardless of their choices and alternate strategies without passing judgment, regardless of my personal views. I will unite with this group to defend against the prejudices and intolerance of others in order to preserve the support and accepting atmosphere of this group. I am here to teach and to learn, to find support and give it, so that I can more successfully reach or maintain a healthy weight.
Thank you all for keeping it together.
-Review of Qualifications for Joining SWA:
o Join Us!!! What?!! You don’t know if you qualify as a Scale Whore (or 'Gigolo'...the 'G' is silent in our title, but we all know it's there...like a deadly fart...not that you're like a fart men...but don't guys like farts...I'll just stop now and say you're in)? Well, here are the qualifications for becoming a member. You only need to say ‘Yes’ to last one* and ‘Yes’ to any one other item listed below, and you’re in:
o Do you enjoy getting on your scale often (OK, maybe ‘enjoy’ isn’t the right word when getting on a scale)? This can be anywhere between at the Doctors to every hour. More often than that and you just need help and you’re too afflicted even for us (getting on and off 3 times in a row to average doesn’t count as too much, as any Scale Whore can tell you, this counts as one).
o Do you find yourself trying to wear (or naked) basically the same thing every time you weigh yourself (let's not even get started on bathroom habits)?
o Do you weigh yourself, or your clothing/shoes before you go to the doctor so you can figure your exact weight and if your scale matches your doctors (and then almost pee yourself holding it until you get home and on the scale)?
o Do you somehow chart or spreadsheet your weight (or track it on your bathroom mirror)?
o Do you try to somehow predict what your weight will be in the future? Those with magic crystal balls need not apply (that’s cheating and considered an unfair advantage…the rest of us are at the mercy of the Weight Loss Gods who take great pleasure in messing with our predictions daily).
o *Do you NOT want help for any of the above? Meaning you’re secretly OK with the fact that you’re a Scale Whore (so pretty much anyone who doesn’t want help or doesn’t think this is an affliction)? I'm going to say this one more time...We're not here to help you stop weighing...We're all about weighing yourself MORE, not less, so please join another group if you think weighing is a problem...move along (and you must be missing the WL gene).
Then come out of the closet (or bathroom) and sign up to join us!
- Role Call and Reading of Minutes of Last Meeting:
o Last meeting was our semi-annual meeting in August. I've got to say, you're all looking great...just look how much less our group weighs since six months ago!!! Some of you are only half a member now! I can hardly believe it's been a whole year since the group's formation!
- Swearing in and Initiation of new members:
o Scales and Measuring tapes will be involved…don’t worry, it’s all done in a pitch black room and we’ve all survived…so far. Initiates...you may put on your blindfolds NOW. Shh...stop that giggling and someone get the lights!
- Announcements, Reports, Business, Program, Open Sharing:
o SWA WL awards will now be awarded (Can you tell it's the year of the Olympics?!). Since this is a new program I've added to our meetings I would like you all to take a moment to pull out your WL spreadsheets (or mirrors) and do some calculating. Our last meeting was 6 months ago, so please calculate how much you've lost in the last 6 months (yes, even you new Initiates). OK, times up! This isn't high math...I weighed 195 August 22nd -minus- 161 today (stupid Goal Limbo) = 34 pounds...I'm sorry, I'm much too blonde to convert this to metric (and I was around when the US schools were going to convert to the metric system...well THAT was a wasted year of math...just about the time I caught on they decided to bag it...we HAD to be different!), but we're in luck, all our overseas members are smart...even the blonde ones. Now please step up to the scale and weigh-in to receive your award (I hung mine on my Bulletin Board...ooooo shiny!).
---Bronze to members having lost 0-39 pounds/6 mo.; congrats, you've lost weight (because no one goes home empty handed) and those losing more than 26 pounds have lost more than the 1 pound minimum per week the docs promise!
---Silver to members having lost at least 40 pounds/6 mo.; that's more than 1.5 pounds/week...way to go!
---Gold to members having lost at least 50 pounds/6 mo.; that's about 2 pounds/week...awesome...we all bow down before you (just hum your national anthem as you collect your gold medal please). Anyone, Anyone? OK, bust out the karaoke machine and then she'll come forward!
---A special award, the SWA Goal Trophy, will now be given to anyone at their goal who has maintained their goal weight for the past 6 months (d*mn, stupid Goal Limbo, it's now going to take me a year to get that trophy for my shelf!).
o The floor is now open for sharing of WL tracking and methods. Share how you use a scale and/or track your weight (random thoughts also always welcome).
- Entertainment, Social Activities, Just for Fun:
o Arts and Crafts, games, teambuilding, etc. Share yours here and the group will participate (I'll get the ice...d*mn glue guns!)! I see you all brought your scales as instructed...I'd like to end this part of our meeting with 'Musical Scales' (my fav).
- New Business, Suggestions:
o For Our Next Meeting (or suggestions for anything else...how do you like our new venue here...like the wallpaper?).
- Closing Ceremony:
o The parade of countries, Dominoes Formation "Fall" with our Scales (symbolic of our weight falling down), and fireworks to rival the Olympic Ceremonies!!!
o Until Next Time…