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Friday, February 25, 2011

2/25/11 Little Shop Of Horrors

Let's talk about BOOBs...no not those BOOBs, my boobs! Or lack thereof. The worst thing about my boobs is...getting a mammogram (especially after I lost my boobs somewhere along the WL journey...if you find them, please return them). Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn't remind you to get your mammogram, if you're due.

OK all you big BOOBs, I don't want to hear you whining about how they smash your boob in the vice and it hurts....whaaa...whaaa. Here's how it goes for me vs. you;
  • The poor gal running the machine always takes a look at my naked front as I disrobe like 'Oh Sh*t! A boobless one!'
  • Yes, don't tell me you've not noticed the smile of appreciation she gives you.
  • Then, with me close to the machine, she takes forever and struggles to get it lined up exactly right as she knows this will be critical in a moment.
  • You get near the machine and she just makes sure that the shelf is below your boob...hopefully not at your knees (OK, I'm jealous...I hope that it's at least at your belly button).
  • Now comes the fun part...getting 'no boob' onto the clear shelf. Step up to the machine and prepare to be dazzled and amazed! ...or is that mauled and mangled? She starts at my waist (where she just spotted, with extreme delight, my extra 'fat girl' belly skin) and yanks upward then forward (like my skin is Silly Putty!) onto the shelf (umm Oww!). She lets go and *poof*...the skin snaps back...then falls back to my belly...gravity (so not my fault).... Now she takes a hard look at me and I can see she's gearing up for the challenge...Uh Oh. She grabs my 'skin' extra hard (OK, now she's got the nipple as she's hoping that will give her some semblance of a boob on the shelf), pushes my back forward against the machine so my ribs are now pressing inward against my lungs, and yanks my boob forward so hard my panni is now on the shelf.
  • You...she has you step forward and then raises the shelf under your giant boob up until it's sitting on the shelf like the boob of a perky 16 year old's (you're enjoying the moment).
  • Now comes the vice...the other clear 'shelf' above my boob (that I thought was just a higher shelf for a very perky patient) is not a 'shelf' at all! It's now being lowered onto my upper ribs...then pinching downward onto my 'nipple'...OWWW! Just when I think my ribs are going to snap she stops the vice. Oh if it had only ended there, but no, she's teasing me for putting her through all this as she says (with just a little too much enthusiasm) 'Just a little more!'...the vice starts downward again...then stops...then starts...then finally stops...I'm screaming in my head...DOUBLE OWW! My head is now pointing downward as she's given me a reverse face lift and my deflated double chin is now pulled tight on my chest. As I'm looking down, I take a gander through the clear vice at my BOOB! OMG! I try to smile (but my face is now pulled downward so taunt that I'm frozen in a permanent frown). HEY, I HAVE A HUGE BOOB! For the first time I can't see my feet, not because of a giant belly, but because of my (one) GIANT BOOB! OK, it's paper thin horizontally, but I don't care...I have to find a silver lining somewhere in this little shop of horrors.
  • You...she lowers the vice an inch onto the top of your giant boob...you say 'ouch' (out loud) and she raises it a little.
  • She tells me not to breath (Who the frick can BREATH?!? Can't she see my LUNG is now in the vice!), as the now giant boob may snap back out of the vice if I do, and then we'd have to start over. Start OVER?!!! I'm now hoping if it does 'snap back' that it will be with such force that I'd sail backward into that wall protecting her from the 'rays' and take her out!
  • She tells you to breath normally.
  • I think I hear her talking, and about the point that I'm ready to black out, the top of the vice begins raising. Her voice comes in clearer now, "...done, you can step back now." Ahh, sweet relief as my head snaps back up and my now super stretched extra belly skin falls down to my knees. And then I hear it. Five words that brought tears to my eyes "And now, the other side!"
  • She asks you to roll your giant boob off the shelf and place the other one gently on.

I wish I had taken a pic of the giant red 'V' on the upper ribs of my chest when I stumbled out of the room whimpering. I'm seriously thinking of getting a boob job now. Get your mammogram! If I can, you can...they save lives!
DD and I went to the ballet together last night. Fun for us as she used to dance competitively through HS, so it was something we really enjoyed doing! OK, terrible pic (my hair looked way better than this as I used a 'bump it' LOL), but she was running late so I only had time for one before we left her place.


And here we are in our seats after running through the pouring rain!
Happy Weekend all!

4 comments:

Lee Ann said...

This post is terribly inspiring. Now I cannot WAIT to be old enough to get a mammogram. How much longer do I have??? You & DD look gorgeous for the ballet.

Heather said...

If you ever find your lost boobs, please send mine back home too. They are obviously having drinks somewhere or something!

LDswims said...

Your daughter looks just like you and you are both absolutely gorgeous!!!

I just had the pleasure of getting my first mammogram a couple weeks ago. Ugh. Now, see, I'm in the endowed category. Not huge - but "endowed" enough to, um, just place on top of the shelf. But I do have a major BUT to this. My left BOOB also has an implant. And she had to "get the implant out of the way" for a proper image. Umm!!! OOOOOOWWWWWWW! It wasn't designed to be movable....

Love you, GF. Thank you so much for your support. An email is coming shortly.

Beth Ann said...

Oh, I'm so not looking forward to mammograms. Ugh.

More beautiful pictures, chica!!

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