Dearest Cell Phone,
I gave DD my new phone upgrade and rescued you from her butterfinger hands which gave you all those awful scars...I adopted you, and THIS is the thanks I get?! Didn't I buy you a sleek, new, leather case to keep you warm this winter so you could heal? Didn't I hang it on the OUTSIDE of my 'Mary Poppins' purse so you wouldn't suffocate with everything-and-the-kitchen-sink I keep in there. Haven't I carefully tended to your every need whenever you ring me? EVEN when you embarrass me (who can forget that incident in the movie theater...I had to send you to the cell phone manners class after that!)?!!
OK, so I did loan you to DD that night she stayed over to use as an alarm clock...but her cell phone was dead (see, that would have been your fate had I not adopted you!) and there was no alarm clock in her now stripped down room here. She swears to me she left you on the floor (once again, I have NEVER left you on the floor!) outside my room when she left for work that morning.
OK, so I didn't come upstairs to find you myself as I should...instead I asked DS2 (who was already up there) to bring you down (he now says I'm the one who made him an accessory to the crime), but in my defense, I thought he was a responsible cell phone user now (after all, he's the only one of my kids that even uses a case!). He swears he brought you to me 'somewhere in the family room', but I'll swear in court that you weren't there when said incident allegedly happened (I don't think I was even there...but I can't swear to that...HOW CAN I if he never gave you to me...there was NO such incident!).
While under interrogation, DD confessed that the night of the incident she had muted you, except the alarm, thus making you unable to cry out for me. We later brought DS2 in for interrogation and he confessed to calling you a million times under the guise of trying to find you...thus speeding up your silent death.
You'll be glad to know I've filed kidnapping charges against both offenders...they're obviously in cahoots and had planned this very carefully. My plea's to said alleged (yeah, right!) kidnappers to bring you home to me fell on deaf ears.
We've sent out search parties daily to no avail. It's now been TWO weeks and you haven't shown up. There hasn't even been a ransom note (although DS2 just asked me last night if there would be a reward if he finds it...isn't that called extortion?)!
I refuse to believe that you're dead and not coming home to me.
Cell phone, please come back to me! I miss you so! *sniff, sniff*
-Ode To My Cell Phone, By BG-
Cell Phone, I love you with all my heart
I'd give you an app to make you fart
Cell Phone, Although there have been others
you were my favorite, your flip top covers
Cell Phone, you were older than my friend's phones
But they were just jealous, because my cell owns
Cell Phone, When I was bored you gave me games
And who can forget, all those numbers and names
Cell Phone, We used to text all day
And during the night, you brightened my way
Cell Phone, I love you more than fills
I never minded, paying your bills
Cell Phone, we were such a team
They tore us apart, and made me scream
Cell Phone, it was only a loan
And I don't know how, I'll go on alone
Cell Phone, I need candy because I'm so sad
But food is out, or I'll yak bad
Cell Phone, "Come Back" is my plea
Cell Phone, Oh Cell Phone, You complete me
P.S. Doesn't our Verizon plan have some new fangled techy phone in their shop now?
(Yes, I'll be sending one to my Band too!)