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Saturday, February 28, 2009

2/28/09 60 Days Until 50

*NOTE: Well, now it’s 58 days actually. I've tried posting this the last two nights and gave up trying to get access, but that’s another post entirely.

If you don’t know yet, I’m turning 49 7/8 this year. I’ve promised to work my way up to calling it, what it is, by my birthday. See? There in the title? That’s a huge step in the right direction, right? Well, if I say it’s a huge step, it is!

I’m not sure why 40 didn’t bother me, I thought it would, but it didn’t. I’m not one to hide my age either (I’m stating the obvious here again, aren’t I?). But this one is FREAKING ME OUT!!! What’s so scary about 5-0?…it’s a milestone, a landmark, the BIG 5-0, half a CENTURY for crying out loud, you’re definitely on the downward spiral of life even if you do make it to that Willard Scott Smuckers birthday, it’s midlife (you hope), and don’t you remember when your parents turned 50, and how OLD you thought they were? Let’s face it, when AARP sends you more mail then Victoria’s Secret you’re on your way out. Can I just say here, STOP SENDING ME MAIL AARP!!! I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I’M READY TO JOIN!!!!

I had pretty much decided that I was NOT going to turn ‘that age’ this year. I’m not 5-0 in my head, so what’s the point. I certainly don’t act like I’m 5-0. But lately, my body is starting to act like it is. The past few years I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that I felt like I was circling the drain. I was feeling, well, OLD!

I’d been puzzling over this attitude for awhile now, because it’s not like me. What’s up with me? I’m definitely a ‘cup half full’ person. DH calls me the eternal optimist. After pondering some more, I think I’m figuring this out. You know why? Because things ARE changing. I see that I was feeling bad about my age, because I was FEELING it. After my ‘Moment’ (don’t think I’ve shared that one here yet, but I’ll save that for another blog)…you know that moment when you decided that you were actually going to at least ‘look’ at that ‘extreme thing’ called WLS?...Then I decided on the LB, and that was a HUGE change in the right direction. I decided that this year was going to be about ME for a change. I’ve never put myself at the top of the list, let’s face it, I’ve never even put myself ON the list. I decided to make this my year for getting healthy. I made a pack with myself to do this to my best ability and see what happens. My year of taking care of me…so it’s a birthday present for myself, of the best kind.

It hasn’t been easy to do actually, and that part surprised me. I’ve always been know as a person who embraces change…in business, I was know as a ‘change agent’ and it was something I was very good at. It’s easy to feel optimistic about everything else in life, but yourself?...when you’re feeling sick, tired, and old?...but I kept to my promise to myself…it certainly hasn’t been without major moments of guilt for putting myself first…and I’m sure there’s much more of that to come. I’ve made myself re-look at my surgeries that failed that I’d given up on (shhh…stress incontinence…bladder sling and hysterectomy) and even knowing I’m the only one my doc has ‘ever had the surgery fail for’; now I’ve gone through re-testing and am scheduled to see another specialist in March. I’ve made myself ask for help about my osteoarthritis that has given me constant pain for the past 10 years, and doctors have told me “it’s age”; so I thought there was nothing that could help; and now Physical Therapy is actually helping me. I’ve chosen to get the Lapp Band and now, by many unforeseen circumstances, it’s looking like it’s going to happen within a week of my birthday. Coincidence?

I’m seeing changes that I thought would never happen. So now I have new hope. I’m already not feeling as old anymore. If I can make changes I thought would never happen, then maybe the LB will work for me and make more changes I thought could never happen. So maybe turning the BIG ONE this year won’t be so bad after all. It might be a year to celebrate! …baby steps…I’m getting there.

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