12/21/08 The Price of Beauty

It’s the wee hours of the morning and I was reminded of this incident as I completed my now-weekly ritual. Since I’m on the path of turning half a century soon, and you all now know that not much embarrasses me, I thought I’d share another thing that’s so special about being 49 ½. Hairs start growing on your body in places it never did before. No, really! I looked in the mirror one day and saw a hair growing out of my chin…AHHHH! Then, in a few months I noticed I was starting to get a few whiskers over my upper lip….DOUBLE AHHHH! Call me lucky; my dark haired youngest sister says she’s had this problem for years, but being a natural blonde (probably more like natural gray now, but I’m never finding out!) I’ve apparently been blessed to avoid this up until now (I don’t feel blessed). I’m blaming this all on the one month I tried hormone replacement therapy this year…estrogen I get, but doesn’t testosterone make boys go into puberty=facial hair? The hot flashes are way easier to deal with than boy puberty! Anyway, I sought advice from everyone and this is what I got; bleach (they’re already blonde), pluck (they come back thicker), wax (I’ve yet to brave this with my legs even), or hair remover…OK, that doesn’t sound SO bad? So off to the store I went.

Now I have to preface this next part by telling you I have VERY sensitive skin. My neck turns red every time I’ve gotten my hair colored or permed. I have the kind of skin you can write your name on (or whatever else you please) and it will show up. So do I listen to the part on the box where it tells you to do a test patch…HECK NO! I’m almost half a century…I’m wise…I don’t read directions…except the part that tells you the max time to leave it on…8 min.? Well, this is a BIG problem…a few more minutes couldn’t hurt, so I set the time for 10 min. It’s a little bottle of cream and the lid has a built in brush…this is a piece of cake…just like nail polish right? I brush it on my face in the offending areas…the directions say to lay it on thickly (OK, I read a little more of the directions) so I keep brushing. It now looks like I got into the canned frosting in a big way.

After a few minutes I realized that I should have brushed more carefully…you would never know I have an Art Ed degree. My lips are now on fire where I ‘colored outside the lines’. So I ran to get a cold wet cloth (sounds good right?) to try and wipe it off my lips. Oww! I’ve now succeeded in smearing it on every part of my lips…note: wet cloth does not work…now I’m jumping up and down…Oww, Oww! Tissues…where are the tissues?....Ahhh…that’s better…lips are still burning a little, and they’re starting to swell, but the fire is out. A few more minutes pass and now my face is on fire! Beauty hurts though right? I tough it out…Oww, Oww, Oww! Can’t…take it…any…longer! Quick, what did it say? Rinse? Wipe off? Who knows? Oww, Oww, Oww, Oww! I pretty much stick the lower half of my face under the sink while I’m wildly wiping it with a tissue in one hand and a washcloth in the other. What the #%!# is this stuff, rubber cement? After 10 min. of rinsing and wiping I finally realize it’s off…it’s just my skin that’s still on fire! I run downstairs for some ice and after about 20 min. with a cold compress I decide to take a look. OK, you know when you kiss a guy whose got really bad beard stubble…nope, that’s not it…let me start again…you know when you put red lipstick on, but you totally miss your lips? That pretty much describes my face…oh, now add Angelina Jolie’s lips…on fire! But my skin is now as smooth and hair free as a baby’s behind!