11/25/08 Saying Goodbye

We’re off tomorrow for the holiday to DH’s family. I’ve been finding myself saying goodbye to certain foods already (does anyone else do that?)…strange since I’m still 6 mo. from the band. It’s mainly those items I don’t get often, like this past weekend at my parent’s house we were celebrating early Christmas…I found myself relishing Mom’s homemade pumpkin roll and her strawberry salad (she only makes once a year). Now I’m already looking forward to, and mourning the future loss of, the stuffing and pumpkin pie on Thursday. I know I’ll get tastes of things in the future, but it’s like saying goodbye to a good friend (OK, maybe a friend you thought was a good friend, but was really stabbing you in the back…I see it’s time to start that mindset change). HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!

11/24/08 Told You So

We had a good weekend back home with my family (once we got through the snow). It’s nice having my daughter home from college for the holiday. DH took my two oldest to the football game and I went shopping with the girls. We celebrated early Christmas Saturday night.

My sister sent me some hilarious video’s of elves dancing to Christmas music with my families faces on the elves. Anyway I’d forwarded it to my sister-in-law (the true “foodie”; she can cook) and asked her yet AGAIN what I could bring for Thanksgiving (read blog "Why I won't be asked to bring dessert..."). Her response “Just bring yourselves on Turkey Day!”. I told you so…

11/20/08 OK, that wasn’t so bad

I got my first call from my “Healthwise” coach today. (In case you haven’t read…it’s a third party co. that DH's company hires to coach those with “issues” like mine on the health survey form we have to fill out for insurance). I had to answer all those embarrassing questions first…height, weight,…after that it doesn’t matter right? Anyhoo…we start into diet and I tell her about the Lap Band and the 6 mo. diet I’m on with my PCP. Didn’t say anything about the LB, but she loved the diet plan…start at 1600 cal. And step down 100 ea. month. She was so supportive and encouraging. Everything I said was immediately given positive reinforcement. I was feeling myself relax…like a day at the spa (or what I imagine it to be like since I’ve never been to one). We talked a little about my exercise habits, etc., then we set some goals for next month’s call. She’s all about reinforcing what the PCP is doing with me. I suggested adding 10 min. to my exercise routine, she suggested 5 min….it’s all about small changes she said and being able to easily make them. More supportive discussion…la, la, la…I’m feeling like I just got a massage (or what I imagine a massage to be like, since I’ve never had one). We set a date for next month…la, la, la…OK, that wasn’t so bad!

11/19/08 Inspiration in Skinny Photos

So I’m making my Christmas ornaments today. I know, I know, for all of you out there in the work world you’re saying “Rough Life BG!”. I worked for a long time, so I’m there with you…and yes, I do appreciate rare days like today…snowflakes falling…holiday music playing…and I’m hot gluing ornaments (Hey, I’ve got the dishwasher and laundry going and I could get BURNED by the glue gun…it’s tough work I tell you!). (I should be packing us up for our two different trips to our families next week as DH is traveling all this week, but I'm not.)

Actually, I copped out this year, big time…I’m using a kit (shhhh)…blasphemy for an ex Art Teacher…I just didn’t find any inspiration this year. Understand, these ornaments/or decorations (exchange with family and my gifts for neighbors/friends) are a lot of pressure for me every year…it’s my “Martha” moment; lots of pressure. I always create original ideas and go to great lengths to make something unique each year and now the bar is set very high for beautiful handmade gifts…antique bobbins made into a candle stick with ribbons braided through the holes and tin punched trees ontop with the candle; Hand painted plates with potpourri and candles; beautiful hanging “Kissing Balls” with mistletoe, fancy ribbons and bells; a set of wine charms with beads and different clay Christmas characters glazed and shining…see, pressure. I ponder this all year and gather the perfect supplies…I’ve spent weeks on them some years, even finished making them in the summer sometimes…not this year…no time, NO inspiration. Luckily I bought several ornament kits about 6 six years back and have kept them in my craft closet…just in case…NO WAY would I need them. But there I was last night digging them out of the closet. They are little clear round ornaments that are water filled and have different types of glitter (a snowglobe, you know). They actually have 2 halves and you twist them open and add 2 back-to-back photos and close them back up. I’m adding all kinds of ribbon and doodads to the top, but no way to disguise these as "not a kit"…I know they’re lame…no "Martha" this year...I can feel the disappointment now. I was going through all my photos yesterday trying to find 2 photos (and the right size) of each person. I was struck by how few photos there are of me, but I also was struck by the ups and downs of my weight battle…160 lbs. (for the millionth time) just years ago…I remember I didn’t feel very skinny then at all…but there was the photo…no double chin…no belly. I have a hard time seeing myself as I am, at any weight, even now…I don’t feel like I look that fat, but I know I am. So this year I found my inspiration in my skinny photos…inspiration for my journey here. Too bad that doesn’t translate well into an ornament…but now I’m making one just for me…with my skinny photos...

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In response to a comment I got agreeing with not seeing me as I am:

Me too, me too! I think it's like listening to yourself on the answering machine...I just don't see/hear myself like I am. Maybe if I did I would have started this sooner. I've always remembered DH's grandmother at age 92 sitting in her wheelchair saying to my daughter "You know, I still see myself and feel inside like I did when I was 20!" Maybe that image of us at our best is what freezes in our minds...time now for the NEW best us!

11/17/08 So Why Am I Insulted?

I got this call and the lady explains it’s about the health surveys we had to fill out for our insurance about a year ago. I’m thinking, OK maybe me going to the info. seminar at the hospitals triggered something since I filled in insurance info. on their form? Then she goes on to tell me my health survey tells them “You’re at risk for several things” (very nebulous…that word “things” )and “Would you like to sign up for our free program?” At this point I’m trying to confirm this is not some phone scam---free program (yeah right), but I don’t want to piss the woman off either…heck I don’t know if it’s someone who works at my DH's company even (I’m thinking...do they have health people in HR there?). “Could you tell me more about what this program is exactly?” I ask. After dancing back and forth a few times (now I’m really wondering if it’s a scam) she finally offers up some details “Someone will call you with regular phone appointments and they can help you with your issues….” ISSUES? I have ISSUES?? I don’t respond as I’m thinking this and so after a long pause she timidly says “…things like exercise and diet”. The magic word DIET. She thinks I need to go on a DIET? I’m insulted! My mind is racing… Who is this stranger telling me I need to go on a DIET? I don’t know what to do now…so again, I blurt…(I’m really stressing now—so spoken at 100 miles per hour…) “Well I’m working with my PCP and have started a diet and exercise program…I’m going to get the LAP-BAND®…and I’m not sure how your diet and exercise would fit in with that?” I'm nice, but inside I’m so insulted. But wait…now it’s sinking in…I’m realizing it’s not a scam…if she wanted money, she certainly wouldn’t be insulting me like this, would she?!!! Uh, oh. She’s legit. Better be nice. She says “Well, they can help you with things like stress even.” STRESS? WHAT STRESS?!!! She must have detected the stress in my voice…I’m thinking…Go to your happy place, deep breath… “Uh, stress, OK, fine.” I say. “Someone will call you in a week to get started.” and she explains it's a service the co. pays for through insurance...we say our goodbyes. I hang up and I’m thinking why do I feel so insulted…then I realize….NO ONE has ever told me I need to go on a diet…not in my entire life…it was always my idea to go on a diet...it was like someone calling me fat to my face for the first time ever! Wow! Reality check!! OK, she didn't make up the numbers I put on the health questionaire...I welcome the help…diet, exercise, stress even…bring it on! I get it, I AM fat, I know that!...but I ask myself again...So why am I insulted?

11/16/08 Why I won’t be asked to bring dessert this Thanksgiving

I can’t cook…sure I can follow a recipe, when I want to…but I’m WAY too creative for that (my gift is art). I have delusions that I’m a “foodie”…but only if you’re describing someone who loves good food. The problem is I’ve never taken the time to really learn and now I just don’t want to (you’ll see why). I’ll blame this primarily on my mother (I've learned as my kids have gotten older that you can always trace your faults back to your mom). She had 5 kids, 4 girls and she never taught us how to cook…didn’t want us in the kitchen actually (who can really blame her with 5 kids and a household to manage). Ohhhh my mom’s a great cook…wonderful meals every night, appetizers even, on Sunday nights. Sure we made fun of her serving us cow’s tongue with raisin sauce once (what did you think kids would say about a giant curved tongue with raisins stuck all over it…I still swear it had taste buds…we were ROTFL)…I think we made her cry. She would only break her form on the rare occasion she and Dad went out…frozen potpie night.

When I got to high school I had taken home ec. so I was allowed to try. I decided baking suited me well and I was good at it; even tackled filled éclairs once. So I branched out…I started adding my own spin to recipes…big mistake…my first memorable one was Jell-O with raisin bran cereal in it…let’s just say the raisins did fine…it was the flakes that were memorable. I got married and continued the adventure. Once I was given the task of bringing the cake to a holiday. I had a box of candy canes. Candy canes…buttercream icing…what could be better together I ask you? I crushed them into chips and added them to the icing. Let me inform you…candy cane chips in icing turn into mainly gross wet slimy goo with sticky centers that get stuck in your teeth (kinda like the Jell-O flakes). By now I was developing a reputation in the family.

Another holiday I was tasked again with a baked good. I decided on apple pie...I was going to show them all this time! I researched recipes and found the best homemade crust and apple filling recipe I could find. I bought my apples from the local orchard even. Now, how to dress it up…I found a photo in a cook book of a BEAUTIFUL looking apple pie! It had a lattice top with fluted edges…I’m and art ed. Major…I can sculpt like nobody’s business! There was even a tiny apple with leaves all made out of crust sitting in the middle…oooo. I was going to need to make a lot of crust for all that! The photo of the pie was a beautiful golden brown and it was shiny! I researched that glaze. I made my pie…I had so much crust my woven lattice (pinked edges- my addition) top crust was almost solid…I couldn’t even see the apples down in there, but I knew it would be delicious…it was glazed so many times it shined and the tiny apple in the center looked almost real.

I entered my parents house to ooos and ahhhs…I beamed. We finished the holiday meal and now it was time for the pie. My mom brought it to the table to serve and I couldn’t wait. She started to slice into it…what’s this…it’s too hard (maybe this is like pottery I’ve made…too much glaze?)? No worries, Mom smiles nothing phases her, and she goes to the kitchen for a big serrated knife. After a great deal of sawing she finally breaks through…I’m now hearing sniggers all around me. She lifts the first piece and I see it…the filling is sitting nicely on the bottom crust, but as she turns it sideways there’s a giant space between the filling and the top crust, which is so thick with all my lattice that it’s still hanging in the air like a triangular diving board! Full laughter now. Let’s just say I went home with almost all the pie (my mom had a backup dessert…she’s learning).

Now here’s the worst part…I threw the beloved pie into the trash can behind our apartment, wanting to forget it forever. Trash day came and went, almost a week went by and DH came home one night beckoning me to come out back. Just a few feet beyond where the trashcans are is the drive by which many in the apartments use to park. What was that in the drive?…damn those trash men for spilling…yep, there it was…my beloved top crust still looking perfect, still so shiny…didn’t it rain yesterday? I left it there.Since then my DH, has embellished the story (and to think I married him for his sense or humor). The story now goes, and he swears it's true, the next day it had tire tracks going over it that didn’t even break the tiny apple with leaves on top. Of course I have to hear about every failed recipe each holiday (I’ve only shared three here, but they have much more ammo). I’ve offered to bring something for Thanksgiving this year…I’m still waiting for the call back.

...I'm starting to collect post op recipes now.

11/15/08 Putting Myself First

CLIFF NOTES: I started off to write a somewhat funny note about one of my teens who had a rant last night, and somehow ended up on the shrinks couch below. I’ve been feeling kind of melancholy since my good news and happy day Thurs. and I couldn’t figure out why. Apparently, I’m feeling guilty for putting myself first by going through this process. Hey at least it saved me an hour at the pre-op psych visit…tee hee. Don’t bother reading unless you’re there too… (Back to myself now, thank you.) -BG (I'm saving the rest just to remind myself of this.)
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It seems just yesterday I had a job I loved at a Fortune 500, and was on the fast track up the ladder with a very bright future ahead. But I was traveling all the time and my (2 then) kids were in daycare for LONG days. I could only involve them in things that were only on the weekends (try telling your 5 yr. old daughter she can’t take gymnastics classes on Tuesday’s after school with her friend). DH was gone many night’s working hard on his Master’s part-time for 8 years at night, and his job also required a little travel, so we were mainly a “Weekend Family”. It only got harder and harder as the kids got older (I thought they needed your time most as little kids-BIG “wrong”). I couldn’t find that elusive “Super Mom” balance between work and family and we needed a change (I so admire those of you who can do it all- some of my sisters included).

I was pregnant with my third when DH was offered a promotion to a sales position back to my home town where a lot of my family still was. I didn’t hesitate one second…It was a happy change for us all. We moved and we were now able to afford it, so I stopped working. If I’m being honest it was a hard transition going from the “fast track” to “homemaker”. With a new baby, and DH now traveling I’d go days without seeing an adult. Also, it’s kind of like being fat…people stereotype you...and with the move, no one knew I had had a career…I found people suddenly treating me like I didn’t have a brain…the topics of conversation in my life suddenly changed. Even I was guilty of this at first …I’d been friends with neighbors for years before I’d asked anything other than about life as a Mom. There were lawyers, nurses, teachers, all kinds of “formers”. And yes, those who’d never had a job also had lives outside their families…wow I was guilty of not thinking homemakers have a brain too…there were volunteers for great organizations, those that had hobbies like mine, brilliant women! Anyway, I had to keep busy so I volunteered for everything; was the Girl Scout Leader, the “Homeroom Mom” for all three of them every year (for as long as they’d let me-about middle school), and I was a former art teacher, so the schools used my talents for all kinds of things and I was there with my youngest in tow most days. I helped start a “play group” in my neighborhood for Moms/little ones. I immediately signed my two older ones for so many things they’d been asking to do. We all appreciated our new life. That first summer, I counted 14 “legs” in the car one day with the baby zigzagging the older ones around town…not good either…

We found a balance and the kid’s all were able to dabble in many thing and they each found their gifts/niche. We’ve since moved again (I designed our current home with the help of an architect software program, not a huge house, but it meets our family needs perfectly!) and the kids are now older; two teens and one is 21 (I can’t believe I’ll be down to one at home next year). I’ve certainly never been bored at home as I’ve always been busy. My youngest, 13, still needs the most time from Mom but my “job” at home has evolved more and more into time devoted to major home reno. projects; tiling, painting, sewing curtains, finished the basement/bath (I’ll never mud drywall again), built a pond with waterfall, designed and built a finished clubhouse for the kids, etc. (with help from DH & the kids). I love tackling learning something I’ve never done so I’m pretty handy, and I feel good that I’ve saved us tons of money doing all this myself (even my neighbor friends who are at home sometimes tell me I make them look bad). As a homemaker, I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that you can only get those pats on the back from your family mainly, and they get used to your capabilities, so the pats don’t always come as often. Gone are the work days when a job well done meant you had whole teams of people singing your praises…and forget getting a promotion!

I haven’t regretted anything…but with my youngest turning 13 I’m suddenly finding I no longer have that little kid in the house who thinks you know everything and glows at every little thing you do…and you’re the hardest working mom on Earth. Getting through these teen years is just difficult some days, and I knew it would be. Some days they act like/tell me I have no clue. My sister gave me a magnet that says “Ask your Teenager now while they still know everything!”, and yep, I still have a brain. It’s funny, my kids hardly remember me working and they’re wonderful kids, hard workers, not spoiled, but as teens often do, they don’t always appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made in your life for them. They don't like it when I have to said “no” (I’m the disciplinarian and DH is the softie…he’s still working on it), but I know they love me and they do show it/say so. They unknowingly say hurtful things like “I wonder why you don’t have a job?” like their friend’s mom. There’s some days I want to scream “What do you mean I don’t have a job…who’s raising you? Don’t you know I gave up working for our happiness? Do they realize how different things would be for them even now if I was working?…Don’t they remember…” Of course they don’t. I’m happy with my life…I’ve got a wonderful family and a great life, and again, I don’t regret anything…but some days-TEENS! I get glimmers of hope that they’ll get this someday…my daughter’s about ready to graduate college and she’s coming out of that teen funk; she’s starting to ask me about things that let me know she gets it.

Reading this over I’m sounding so negative, and that’s not me at all…I’m a  giving person who gives out of love, not looking for appreciation; the typical nurturer – family first. *Lightbulb* I just realized this week when I saw this Lap Band thing was probably going to be a reality I was feeling guilty that I was putting myself before my family. I felt guilty I was taking time to do this just for me. That’s probably at least part of the reason I’ve let myself get to this state of health, never putting me first. Writing this was helpful for me to realize the whole family will benefit from seeing me work hard, and yes, just for me! (even if only my DH knows about the LB)…I realize the one thing I’ve yet to be able to balance in my life was sometimes putting myself first.

11/14/08 Fall reminds me of college!

I got my two boys out this afternoon mowing & sucking up all the fall leaves with me since we’re having a heat wave-60 degrees high (rain or snow tomorrow; 30’s high next week). We have a hill with huge trees behind us so you could hardly see the grass for all the leaves. There’s something about the smell of slightly wet leaves that always reminds me of college…I guess it’s that back to school smell. When I was younger it was “paste”...I’m aging myself again aren’t I?…Hey, do they even MAKE school paste anymore?

We’ve been doing the final college visits now with my middle one (boy); the one who just got into National Honor Society this week (sorry, proud). My DH is taking him on his last two different visits this weekend (wish I was going, but my youngest has a commitment). It’s good kids know what they want; he wants a huge school, my daughter is a Senior at mid-size college. She would tell me to insert a shameless resume here…but I’ll keep it to anyone looking for a bright employee: double major-marketing/intl. business, let me know (She’ll have me on the street corner wearing a sandwich board resume for her soon). What a bad time to graduate and be seeking employment huh?...but I envy them those wonderful college years!

So Fall reminds me of walking around my college campus and all the expectations of a new school year. I was thinking today that starting this Lap Band process now in the Fall brings a lot of the same feelings I had then; anticipation, hopefulness, eagerness, anxiousness, etc. So I’ll use this school year to get educated (about LB) and for now I’m just hoping I’ll be “graduating” to a new part of my life…just about the same time as my two oldest ones!

11/13/08 Supercalafragolisticexpialidocious!

What a great day! I’m on cloud nine…or at least 8.75!!! I went to the third hospital's seminar this morning and it was great! I turned my first big corner in this process! It was a great seminar; whole section devoted to INSURANCE, with an actual INSURANCE EXPERT- can you believe they exist?…I thought it was an urban legend! It was like finding the holy grail! I talked to the insurance gal and she assured me I’ll get approved. Whoo Hoo!! She said my insurer is the best insurance to have for this here…and she said they have “Actual LIVE people on the other end of the phone.” I wonder what the other ones have “DEAD people”??…serves them right…insurance people…putting me through all this…oh, that’s right, my insurance peeps are still alive…good thing…they need to live long enough to give me that elusive final approval!!! Then we’ll getm’!

My surgeon had a great presentation and was wonderful (even gave us a copy of the whole presentation, now there’s an idea!)! OK, now tell me if I’m going to die in surgery? Let me explain; he came with his little ducklings (4 interns) following. Poor guy couldn’t get his PowerPoint presentation to work at the beginning, so after about 5 min. of trying he turned working on it over to an intern while he talked to us. Two min. later Duckling no. 3 had it working….I couldn’t help myself…I blurted… “I want that guy for my surgery!” I’m hoping the Dr. didn’t hear me…but the sniggers around me didn’t help. If I die you’ll know why, and Doc, let me clarify my statement…I meant as an intern, not as my Dr.! My Doc rocks!

My only regret today was my husband was traveling for business. He just got home and I was telling him about my day---he was so happy for me. We kept talking and I mentioned the diet/exercise plan...he said "6 months?!!! I thought it was 6 weeks??!!!" LOL...didn’t he just sit (or sleep) through the other two seminars with me?!!…he means well!

So its been a (sing it with me........you know you want to) Supercalafragolisticexpialidocious Day!

11/12/08 "Before" pics

I’m nervous about my last seminar tomorrow (at the third hospital I'm visiting) so I’m being lazy and spending most of the day on the computer. After lurking all over today I’m now feeling the need to take my “Before” pictures or find some. I’m even thinking I might even attempt the insurmountable feat of creating an Avatar soon (isn’t that a Cartoon show?). Heck, I’ve now got a Blog and I didn’t know what that was a week ago! And BTW what the heck is a Vlog people are mentioning “I love vlogging?”?? I’ll have to Google that one!

I’ve found there are very few recent pics of me…I hide from the camera, shove my youngest in front of me, or it’s in my hand…I wonder why. This is a somewhat scary proposition. So…I’ve been perusing everyone’s Before/After pics (wow you all look so different! You know I’m talking about you! What an inspiration!) …do I wear the jeans; nope…I’ll NEVER be able to get that pic where I’m standing in one pant leg! I’ve got the jeans for 160# still hanging in my closet and they’re not ½ the size of my current ones...hard to believe I was there less than 8 years ago (for the umpteenth time!). Do I just do the face shot…nope; unfortunately I still have a very oval face with a double chin only when I smile. Let’s be real…It’s not my face carrying this weight…I’m a pear and the skinniest part is still at the top, my head. Do I dress myself in my finest (aka full camouflage of the weight)? Or do I let it all hang out (I saw one in her underwear belly fat roll in hand...I’ll cut her a break, maybe she doesn’t own a bikini; I know I don’t! BTW not here…we have standards here!) I think I’m opting for the middle ground. I like the ones that wear the same outfit so you can really see the differences…so I guess I’ll need to wear pants I might keep…oh, wait, I guess that only leaves my spandex sweats and a tank…not so pretty…that’s one step away from the underwear lady! But maybe that’s the motivation I need! I don’t know about you but I know I don’t see myself the way others see me…while I’m disgusted by the site of me and what I’ve done to my body…I know I still don’t see myself as fat as I am…Why is that? And when I was 70# lighter when we moved to Pittsburgh, I remember being in my youngest sisters wedding and feeling SO fat…I hate my photos from that day. Maybe Technicolor photos will help me gain perspective. So I’m gathering my courage to have my DH photograph me…I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now I’ve just got to ask…WHAT’S UP with all those Avatars of people’s faces taken from above their heads? They are beautiful and interesting, but I started to ask myself why? Why no face pics from below…OK…looking up anyone’s nose wouldn’t be pretty! Above- Is it so no one can recognize you? Do they all have disfiguring goiters on their necks…I’m not making fun…I’m just curious. I’ve finally decided they all have double or triple chins (I’m a double) they’re hiding. I’ll have to keep this in mind when I finally figure out how to do an Avatar…I wonder how skinny I’d look from up above? But then I'd have to dye my gray roots! For now I’ll just work on the “Before”…

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In response to a comment I got:
Vlogging (thanks)- I thought at first everyone was misspelling blogging for the longest time! My youngest, 13, just showed me a vlog on UTube...wow...it's one thing to see pics of the underwear lady...a whole other to see them dancing around in them chatting us up! And those head shots from above, OK you confirmed it...don't they know they're on a FAT PEOPLE site? Do they really think they're fooling us fellow double-chinners?...and more importantly...do you think I can get away with it on my Avatar...or did I just "out" myself?

11/10/08 I peed my pants!

Wow...didn't think THAT would be my title today! This morning I had in mind..."1st day of the Diet" or something else really benign (my insurance requires a 6 month PCP supervised diet/exercise history). OK on with the story. I spent the weekend wildly researching and typing up stuff in anticipation of my PCP appointment today. I put together a form for the Dr. to easily fill in each time. I also put together my family history...wow, was that an eye opener! I woke up nervous...let me back up...

I'd been to the PCP last month for my physical follow up. I had just lost 30 lbs. on another low fat diet/fat absorbing pills, and of course I had the nurse that made me take my coat off (I wanted to make the best case I could to my PCP and told her so)...sympathy?...nope, not a word. My PCP came in and we talked, she supported my looking into the lap band and gave me names of surgeons and I picked up the diet plan to review. Then I went to seminars at two hospitals that are 'Centers of Excellence' for bariatric surgery in town (with my skinny DH) and found out what this was all about...I wasn't certain that I'd be approved by insurance...it's like an evil game. I needed to show I was a diet 'failure', so I quit the diet until my official start. I know, this all seems counter-intuitive since I'd just lost those pounds, but it's not like I haven't just been a lot heavier, I'm an expert now an yo-yoing (I just can't KEEP the weight off)...I hate insurance and I'm just starting this (don't they know yo-yoers that are obese have even more health risks?). Well, I can usually gain weight by just looking at the Halloween candy-apply to hip--->here...but eating it as usual I could hardly gain a pound! By the end of the month I was only up a few pounds more (less fast than I normally gain).

So I'm back to where I began...I woke up nervous today...weighed myself...quite a few pounds over 35 BMI...but, what if their scale was different than mine?!...No! I can't be below 35 BMI when I start!!! OK, calm down, I know I've read some things online about this...ankle weights some suggest?...nope, my ethics won't let me go there, sorry...Next-eat a lot before you go...and drink a lot...OK, I can do that...6 bowls of cereal later I was ready to burst...Next-It's snowing for the first time...layers are good and boots certainly are a necessity! OK, I need to time the water just right. I had incontinence surgery 3 yrs. ago (hysterectomy and the sling)...let's just say I was back to the Urologist last week and he told me "You're the first patient I've had where the procedure failed! You'll have to use the back door to leave here so my other patients can't see you, Ha Ha!" Lucky me!...I'm not laughing...because if I do...I'LL PEE! Now back to drinking water...water bottle in hand, I get in the car...the Drs. office is 1/2 hr. away...no problem.

I'm dancing by the time I get there (the pee dance)! 15 min. wait...I get to the room with the Nurse and she pulls the digital scale to the middle of the open door "I need you on the scale" she yells from outside the room. What?!! Was the scale too close to the cabinet that my fat hips couldn't get on where it was...no?!!! Could we maybe close the door...no?!!! I glance wildly side to side to see who heard and if there was any patient coming down the hall who might be scarred by this site. Right, Left, no one...I can do this. I take off my coat and then she says it..."My you have a lot of layers on!"...I wait for the wink thinking she knows I'm worried about the scale...it's not coming..."Yeah, it's cold outside." I manage to squeak out. On the scale I go...uh oh...my evil plan worked...too well! AHHH!!! I'm 15 pounds heavier than my weigh in last month...my scale at home is too light...I've gained a bunch (as usual, but are they going to be mad and not support me getting the Lap Band?)!!! Oh no!!! She flips through my charts. I try to distract her "I feel like I'm back at weigh in's at the group diet meetings-this is so embarressing!" (what did I just say?) Her head doesn't come up from the file...she notices! Are they're going to throw me out in the cold stripped of my layers?? She asks me to sit for my Blood Pressure check (it's been high about a year now and they keep talking about putting me on meds.). "Are you nervous?" she asks. "No!" I SCREAM! "Why? Is something wrong?" I blurt! She looks frightened now..."No, your blood pressure is just really high 158/110!" Wild eyes staring into hers I say "Oh, maybe I'm more nervous about the surgery than I think?" She hustles out and closes the door. Oh no! What's going to happen? What's the doc going to say about my 15 pound weight gain!!!! She's so nice..."Oh, so this will be your first supervised diet/exercise program visit?" she smiles...my heart is starting to calm...No!...she's flipping through the charts!!!...then it happens...I PEE MY PANTS...and once I start it's so hard to stop...SQUEEZE...How many gallons did I need to drink anyway?...SQUEEZE!!! I'd almost forgotten how badly I had to go in all the excitement...she's now talking and looking through my alarming family history...I vaguely remember her talking about hypertension...she's looking through my charts again...NO!...she mentions how long I've had High Blood Pressure...I feel her taking my blood pressure again...then pulling up my pant leg and checking my legs for swelling...NO Ankle weights here!!! (thank God for my ethics)...all I can think about is DO NOT PEE!...next thing I know she's standing at the door beconing me with papers...My mind races...what if I get up and there's a puddle on the table?...darn that evil paper they put on the tables...what to do?...with a smile she waves the form I brought at me...I smile and slowly get up...I turn...I can't believe it...and I say a silent prayer in heaven for the woman (you know it was) who invented the Super-Dooper-Almost-a-Diaper-Pad I'm wearing (which is know hanging heavily low in the crotch of my oh-so-dry pants!). She is walking me back to the reception desk and then presses another paper into my hand...what's this?...a perscription "for your hypertension"....I smile and thank her...Is that a comorbidity? Maybe this will help me get accepted?!!...I deserve this!!! I check out..."Where's the ladies room?" I ask

11/7/08 Secret the Word Knows

First things first. I had no idea what a Blog was and now I'm writing mine...a "journal", I get it. My kids would be proud of this technological feat (maybe someday I'll figure out how to do those photos online-Avatar...isn't that a Cartoon?)...except at this point I've decided not to tell anyone about this "journey" except my skinny DH, whom I dearly love. Let's face it, if you've never fought obesity for more than a decade (OK, I'll give him the "college fatties" that he soon lost) you just don't get it. He's supportive in his own way (he just sat through two different information seminars with me), but I know him well... He married a 5'9" (I've lost an inch), 132# art teacher who also taught 8 aerobic exercise classes a week. He's watched me go up and down the scale drastically. It's hard, but I can lose major weight (up to 50)...My real problem is keeping it off. Heck, I was 80# lighter just 8 years ago when we moved here and I've been up and down 30 and then 45 pounds of that twice in the 8 years since. His reaction to Lap Band "It's so drastic. Can't you just do Atkins again and then we can get you a gym membership so you can keep it off?" (I wish). Now, I can hardly move around without hurting at almost 250#...I'm sure I LOOK lazy sitting in the recliner with the heating pad on my osteoarthritic back. Ahh...if only they knew how much more WORK it is to be fat...seriously, just think about it...how much time have I spent researching, doing, logging diets and exercise plans...how many minutes a day are spent just thinking about food/diets/self image/my obesity...I wish I could get all that time back to just Live Life! Will everyone I know be surprised if I lose a lot of weight...no, they've all seen me do it before...but they, and I, will be shocked if I can keep it off. That is my secret hope...I just want to feel healthy again...and getting back into those skinny jeans will just be a bonus!!!!

I'll track my progress another time, but I'll tell you in my few months of researching this I've done a 180 on sharing this process, at least for now. I'm known as a "sharer", nothing is sacred...I had my hysterectomy and incontinence sling surgery...everyone knew (yeah, even the husbands in the neighborhood...I can't help that they were at the bus stop waiting for their kids while the Mom's were asking me about it...they couldn't have talked a little louder about "the game last night"?) and I shared whatever anyone wanted to know...if you've never been through incontinence "testing" you haven't lived (and the surgery failed, so I'm starting testing again...wee!...literally). I don't get embarressed by this stuff and I find a sense of support by sharing to whomever wants to know, but I've changed my mind for this process. After reading many others experiences both positive and negative with telling others about their Lap-Band, I've decided for once in my life to keep this under wraps. I think what's left of my self-esteem just can't handle any negativity about this. It's against my nature to not share this, and it's going to be harder on me, so I was glad to find an outlet here for sharing...even if no one ever reads anything.

So HELLO "My Blog"! I'm not really keeping a secret if it's here for the world to read. This will be my place to vent, to plan, to track, and hopefully to celebrate, and maybe find some friendly support along the way! Thanks for listening Blog.

BLOG Move

***I started this blog on a Lap Band/Weight Loss website (Lap Band Talk). I moved my entries here, but I wasn't able to move the pics (sorry) and I only moved my comments in response to what others said (as I didn't have their permission, and they didn't post their comments here). I'm leaving the orginal blog intact (beginning-1/22/10)...if you'd rather read it there with all the fun pics, here's the URL:

http://www.lapbandtalk.com/blogs/51088/

Thanks for reading!-BG