11/7/08 Secret the Word Knows

First things first. I had no idea what a Blog was and now I'm writing mine...a "journal", I get it. My kids would be proud of this technological feat (maybe someday I'll figure out how to do those photos online-Avatar...isn't that a Cartoon?)...except at this point I've decided not to tell anyone about this "journey" except my skinny DH, whom I dearly love. Let's face it, if you've never fought obesity for more than a decade (OK, I'll give him the "college fatties" that he soon lost) you just don't get it. He's supportive in his own way (he just sat through two different information seminars with me), but I know him well... He married a 5'9" (I've lost an inch), 132# art teacher who also taught 8 aerobic exercise classes a week. He's watched me go up and down the scale drastically. It's hard, but I can lose major weight (up to 50)...My real problem is keeping it off. Heck, I was 80# lighter just 8 years ago when we moved here and I've been up and down 30 and then 45 pounds of that twice in the 8 years since. His reaction to Lap Band "It's so drastic. Can't you just do Atkins again and then we can get you a gym membership so you can keep it off?" (I wish). Now, I can hardly move around without hurting at almost 250#...I'm sure I LOOK lazy sitting in the recliner with the heating pad on my osteoarthritic back. Ahh...if only they knew how much more WORK it is to be fat...seriously, just think about it...how much time have I spent researching, doing, logging diets and exercise plans...how many minutes a day are spent just thinking about food/diets/self image/my obesity...I wish I could get all that time back to just Live Life! Will everyone I know be surprised if I lose a lot of weight...no, they've all seen me do it before...but they, and I, will be shocked if I can keep it off. That is my secret hope...I just want to feel healthy again...and getting back into those skinny jeans will just be a bonus!!!!

I'll track my progress another time, but I'll tell you in my few months of researching this I've done a 180 on sharing this process, at least for now. I'm known as a "sharer", nothing is sacred...I had my hysterectomy and incontinence sling surgery...everyone knew (yeah, even the husbands in the neighborhood...I can't help that they were at the bus stop waiting for their kids while the Mom's were asking me about it...they couldn't have talked a little louder about "the game last night"?) and I shared whatever anyone wanted to know...if you've never been through incontinence "testing" you haven't lived (and the surgery failed, so I'm starting testing again...wee!...literally). I don't get embarressed by this stuff and I find a sense of support by sharing to whomever wants to know, but I've changed my mind for this process. After reading many others experiences both positive and negative with telling others about their Lap-Band, I've decided for once in my life to keep this under wraps. I think what's left of my self-esteem just can't handle any negativity about this. It's against my nature to not share this, and it's going to be harder on me, so I was glad to find an outlet here for sharing...even if no one ever reads anything.

So HELLO "My Blog"! I'm not really keeping a secret if it's here for the world to read. This will be my place to vent, to plan, to track, and hopefully to celebrate, and maybe find some friendly support along the way! Thanks for listening Blog.