5/5/10 Pre-Op Process (Dr. Clearance & Testing)

*Post Deleted for Lap Band Book

3/22/10 7 Habits...or Maybe 70...

*Post Deleted for Lap Band Book

3/15/10 Porthole

*Post Deleted for Lap Band Book

11/14/08 Fall reminds me of college!

I got my two boys out this afternoon mowing & sucking up all the fall leaves with me since we’re having a heat wave-60 degrees high (rain or snow tomorrow; 30’s high next week). We have a hill with huge trees behind us so you could hardly see the grass for all the leaves. There’s something about the smell of slightly wet leaves that always reminds me of college…I guess it’s that back to school smell. When I was younger it was “paste”...I’m aging myself again aren’t I?…Hey, do they even MAKE school paste anymore?

We’ve been doing the final college visits now with my middle one (boy); the one who just got into National Honor Society this week (sorry, proud). My DH is taking him on his last two different visits this weekend (wish I was going, but my youngest has a commitment). It’s good kids know what they want; he wants a huge school, my daughter is a Senior at mid-size college. She would tell me to insert a shameless resume here…but I’ll keep it to anyone looking for a bright employee: double major-marketing/intl. business, let me know (She’ll have me on the street corner wearing a sandwich board resume for her soon). What a bad time to graduate and be seeking employment huh?...but I envy them those wonderful college years!

So Fall reminds me of walking around my college campus and all the expectations of a new school year. I was thinking today that starting this Lap Band process now in the Fall brings a lot of the same feelings I had then; anticipation, hopefulness, eagerness, anxiousness, etc. So I’ll use this school year to get educated (about LB) and for now I’m just hoping I’ll be “graduating” to a new part of my life…just about the same time as my two oldest ones!

11/13/08 Supercalafragolisticexpialidocious!

What a great day! I’m on cloud nine…or at least 8.75!!! I went to the third hospital's seminar this morning and it was great! I turned my first big corner in this process! It was a great seminar; whole section devoted to INSURANCE, with an actual INSURANCE EXPERT- can you believe they exist?…I thought it was an urban legend! It was like finding the holy grail! I talked to the insurance gal and she assured me I’ll get approved. Whoo Hoo!! She said my insurer is the best insurance to have for this here…and she said they have “Actual LIVE people on the other end of the phone.” I wonder what the other ones have “DEAD people”??…serves them right…insurance people…putting me through all this…oh, that’s right, my insurance peeps are still alive…good thing…they need to live long enough to give me that elusive final approval!!! Then we’ll getm’!

My surgeon had a great presentation and was wonderful (even gave us a copy of the whole presentation, now there’s an idea!)! OK, now tell me if I’m going to die in surgery? Let me explain; he came with his little ducklings (4 interns) following. Poor guy couldn’t get his PowerPoint presentation to work at the beginning, so after about 5 min. of trying he turned working on it over to an intern while he talked to us. Two min. later Duckling no. 3 had it working….I couldn’t help myself…I blurted… “I want that guy for my surgery!” I’m hoping the Dr. didn’t hear me…but the sniggers around me didn’t help. If I die you’ll know why, and Doc, let me clarify my statement…I meant as an intern, not as my Dr.! My Doc rocks!

My only regret today was my husband was traveling for business. He just got home and I was telling him about my day---he was so happy for me. We kept talking and I mentioned the diet/exercise plan...he said "6 months?!!! I thought it was 6 weeks??!!!" LOL...didn’t he just sit (or sleep) through the other two seminars with me?!!…he means well!

So its been a (sing it with me........you know you want to) Supercalafragolisticexpialidocious Day!

11/12/08 "Before" pics

I’m nervous about my last seminar tomorrow (at the third hospital I'm visiting) so I’m being lazy and spending most of the day on the computer. After lurking all over today I’m now feeling the need to take my “Before” pictures or find some. I’m even thinking I might even attempt the insurmountable feat of creating an Avatar soon (isn’t that a Cartoon show?). Heck, I’ve now got a Blog and I didn’t know what that was a week ago! And BTW what the heck is a Vlog people are mentioning “I love vlogging?”?? I’ll have to Google that one!

I’ve found there are very few recent pics of me…I hide from the camera, shove my youngest in front of me, or it’s in my hand…I wonder why. This is a somewhat scary proposition. So…I’ve been perusing everyone’s Before/After pics (wow you all look so different! You know I’m talking about you! What an inspiration!) …do I wear the jeans; nope…I’ll NEVER be able to get that pic where I’m standing in one pant leg! I’ve got the jeans for 160# still hanging in my closet and they’re not ½ the size of my current ones...hard to believe I was there less than 8 years ago (for the umpteenth time!). Do I just do the face shot…nope; unfortunately I still have a very oval face with a double chin only when I smile. Let’s be real…It’s not my face carrying this weight…I’m a pear and the skinniest part is still at the top, my head. Do I dress myself in my finest (aka full camouflage of the weight)? Or do I let it all hang out (I saw one in her underwear belly fat roll in hand...I’ll cut her a break, maybe she doesn’t own a bikini; I know I don’t! BTW not here…we have standards here!) I think I’m opting for the middle ground. I like the ones that wear the same outfit so you can really see the differences…so I guess I’ll need to wear pants I might keep…oh, wait, I guess that only leaves my spandex sweats and a tank…not so pretty…that’s one step away from the underwear lady! But maybe that’s the motivation I need! I don’t know about you but I know I don’t see myself the way others see me…while I’m disgusted by the site of me and what I’ve done to my body…I know I still don’t see myself as fat as I am…Why is that? And when I was 70# lighter when we moved to Pittsburgh, I remember being in my youngest sisters wedding and feeling SO fat…I hate my photos from that day. Maybe Technicolor photos will help me gain perspective. So I’m gathering my courage to have my DH photograph me…I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now I’ve just got to ask…WHAT’S UP with all those Avatars of people’s faces taken from above their heads? They are beautiful and interesting, but I started to ask myself why? Why no face pics from below…OK…looking up anyone’s nose wouldn’t be pretty! Above- Is it so no one can recognize you? Do they all have disfiguring goiters on their necks…I’m not making fun…I’m just curious. I’ve finally decided they all have double or triple chins (I’m a double) they’re hiding. I’ll have to keep this in mind when I finally figure out how to do an Avatar…I wonder how skinny I’d look from up above? But then I'd have to dye my gray roots! For now I’ll just work on the “Before”…

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In response to a comment I got:
Vlogging (thanks)- I thought at first everyone was misspelling blogging for the longest time! My youngest, 13, just showed me a vlog on UTube...wow...it's one thing to see pics of the underwear lady...a whole other to see them dancing around in them chatting us up! And those head shots from above, OK you confirmed it...don't they know they're on a FAT PEOPLE site? Do they really think they're fooling us fellow double-chinners?...and more importantly...do you think I can get away with it on my Avatar...or did I just "out" myself?

11/10/08 I peed my pants!

Wow...didn't think THAT would be my title today! This morning I had in mind..."1st day of the Diet" or something else really benign (my insurance requires a 6 month PCP supervised diet/exercise history). OK on with the story. I spent the weekend wildly researching and typing up stuff in anticipation of my PCP appointment today. I put together a form for the Dr. to easily fill in each time. I also put together my family history...wow, was that an eye opener! I woke up nervous...let me back up...

I'd been to the PCP last month for my physical follow up. I had just lost 30 lbs. on another low fat diet/fat absorbing pills, and of course I had the nurse that made me take my coat off (I wanted to make the best case I could to my PCP and told her so)...sympathy?...nope, not a word. My PCP came in and we talked, she supported my looking into the lap band and gave me names of surgeons and I picked up the diet plan to review. Then I went to seminars at two hospitals that are 'Centers of Excellence' for bariatric surgery in town (with my skinny DH) and found out what this was all about...I wasn't certain that I'd be approved by insurance...it's like an evil game. I needed to show I was a diet 'failure', so I quit the diet until my official start. I know, this all seems counter-intuitive since I'd just lost those pounds, but it's not like I haven't just been a lot heavier, I'm an expert now an yo-yoing (I just can't KEEP the weight off)...I hate insurance and I'm just starting this (don't they know yo-yoers that are obese have even more health risks?). Well, I can usually gain weight by just looking at the Halloween candy-apply to hip--->here...but eating it as usual I could hardly gain a pound! By the end of the month I was only up a few pounds more (less fast than I normally gain).

So I'm back to where I began...I woke up nervous today...weighed myself...quite a few pounds over 35 BMI...but, what if their scale was different than mine?!...No! I can't be below 35 BMI when I start!!! OK, calm down, I know I've read some things online about this...ankle weights some suggest?...nope, my ethics won't let me go there, sorry...Next-eat a lot before you go...and drink a lot...OK, I can do that...6 bowls of cereal later I was ready to burst...Next-It's snowing for the first time...layers are good and boots certainly are a necessity! OK, I need to time the water just right. I had incontinence surgery 3 yrs. ago (hysterectomy and the sling)...let's just say I was back to the Urologist last week and he told me "You're the first patient I've had where the procedure failed! You'll have to use the back door to leave here so my other patients can't see you, Ha Ha!" Lucky me!...I'm not laughing...because if I do...I'LL PEE! Now back to drinking water...water bottle in hand, I get in the car...the Drs. office is 1/2 hr. away...no problem.

I'm dancing by the time I get there (the pee dance)! 15 min. wait...I get to the room with the Nurse and she pulls the digital scale to the middle of the open door "I need you on the scale" she yells from outside the room. What?!! Was the scale too close to the cabinet that my fat hips couldn't get on where it was...no?!!! Could we maybe close the door...no?!!! I glance wildly side to side to see who heard and if there was any patient coming down the hall who might be scarred by this site. Right, Left, no one...I can do this. I take off my coat and then she says it..."My you have a lot of layers on!"...I wait for the wink thinking she knows I'm worried about the scale...it's not coming..."Yeah, it's cold outside." I manage to squeak out. On the scale I go...uh oh...my evil plan worked...too well! AHHH!!! I'm 15 pounds heavier than my weigh in last month...my scale at home is too light...I've gained a bunch (as usual, but are they going to be mad and not support me getting the Lap Band?)!!! Oh no!!! She flips through my charts. I try to distract her "I feel like I'm back at weigh in's at the group diet meetings-this is so embarressing!" (what did I just say?) Her head doesn't come up from the file...she notices! Are they're going to throw me out in the cold stripped of my layers?? She asks me to sit for my Blood Pressure check (it's been high about a year now and they keep talking about putting me on meds.). "Are you nervous?" she asks. "No!" I SCREAM! "Why? Is something wrong?" I blurt! She looks frightened now..."No, your blood pressure is just really high 158/110!" Wild eyes staring into hers I say "Oh, maybe I'm more nervous about the surgery than I think?" She hustles out and closes the door. Oh no! What's going to happen? What's the doc going to say about my 15 pound weight gain!!!! She's so nice..."Oh, so this will be your first supervised diet/exercise program visit?" she smiles...my heart is starting to calm...No!...she's flipping through the charts!!!...then it happens...I PEE MY PANTS...and once I start it's so hard to stop...SQUEEZE...How many gallons did I need to drink anyway?...SQUEEZE!!! I'd almost forgotten how badly I had to go in all the excitement...she's now talking and looking through my alarming family history...I vaguely remember her talking about hypertension...she's looking through my charts again...NO!...she mentions how long I've had High Blood Pressure...I feel her taking my blood pressure again...then pulling up my pant leg and checking my legs for swelling...NO Ankle weights here!!! (thank God for my ethics)...all I can think about is DO NOT PEE!...next thing I know she's standing at the door beconing me with papers...My mind races...what if I get up and there's a puddle on the table?...darn that evil paper they put on the tables...what to do?...with a smile she waves the form I brought at me...I smile and slowly get up...I turn...I can't believe it...and I say a silent prayer in heaven for the woman (you know it was) who invented the Super-Dooper-Almost-a-Diaper-Pad I'm wearing (which is know hanging heavily low in the crotch of my oh-so-dry pants!). She is walking me back to the reception desk and then presses another paper into my hand...what's this?...a perscription "for your hypertension"....I smile and thank her...Is that a comorbidity? Maybe this will help me get accepted?!!...I deserve this!!! I check out..."Where's the ladies room?" I ask

11/7/08 Secret the Word Knows

First things first. I had no idea what a Blog was and now I'm writing mine...a "journal", I get it. My kids would be proud of this technological feat (maybe someday I'll figure out how to do those photos online-Avatar...isn't that a Cartoon?)...except at this point I've decided not to tell anyone about this "journey" except my skinny DH, whom I dearly love. Let's face it, if you've never fought obesity for more than a decade (OK, I'll give him the "college fatties" that he soon lost) you just don't get it. He's supportive in his own way (he just sat through two different information seminars with me), but I know him well... He married a 5'9" (I've lost an inch), 132# art teacher who also taught 8 aerobic exercise classes a week. He's watched me go up and down the scale drastically. It's hard, but I can lose major weight (up to 50)...My real problem is keeping it off. Heck, I was 80# lighter just 8 years ago when we moved here and I've been up and down 30 and then 45 pounds of that twice in the 8 years since. His reaction to Lap Band "It's so drastic. Can't you just do Atkins again and then we can get you a gym membership so you can keep it off?" (I wish). Now, I can hardly move around without hurting at almost 250#...I'm sure I LOOK lazy sitting in the recliner with the heating pad on my osteoarthritic back. Ahh...if only they knew how much more WORK it is to be fat...seriously, just think about it...how much time have I spent researching, doing, logging diets and exercise plans...how many minutes a day are spent just thinking about food/diets/self image/my obesity...I wish I could get all that time back to just Live Life! Will everyone I know be surprised if I lose a lot of weight...no, they've all seen me do it before...but they, and I, will be shocked if I can keep it off. That is my secret hope...I just want to feel healthy again...and getting back into those skinny jeans will just be a bonus!!!!

I'll track my progress another time, but I'll tell you in my few months of researching this I've done a 180 on sharing this process, at least for now. I'm known as a "sharer", nothing is sacred...I had my hysterectomy and incontinence sling surgery...everyone knew (yeah, even the husbands in the neighborhood...I can't help that they were at the bus stop waiting for their kids while the Mom's were asking me about it...they couldn't have talked a little louder about "the game last night"?) and I shared whatever anyone wanted to know...if you've never been through incontinence "testing" you haven't lived (and the surgery failed, so I'm starting testing again...wee!...literally). I don't get embarressed by this stuff and I find a sense of support by sharing to whomever wants to know, but I've changed my mind for this process. After reading many others experiences both positive and negative with telling others about their Lap-Band, I've decided for once in my life to keep this under wraps. I think what's left of my self-esteem just can't handle any negativity about this. It's against my nature to not share this, and it's going to be harder on me, so I was glad to find an outlet here for sharing...even if no one ever reads anything.

So HELLO "My Blog"! I'm not really keeping a secret if it's here for the world to read. This will be my place to vent, to plan, to track, and hopefully to celebrate, and maybe find some friendly support along the way! Thanks for listening Blog.