11/10/08 I peed my pants!

Wow...didn't think THAT would be my title today! This morning I had in mind..."1st day of the Diet" or something else really benign (my insurance requires a 6 month PCP supervised diet/exercise history). OK on with the story. I spent the weekend wildly researching and typing up stuff in anticipation of my PCP appointment today. I put together a form for the Dr. to easily fill in each time. I also put together my family history...wow, was that an eye opener! I woke up nervous...let me back up...

I'd been to the PCP last month for my physical follow up. I had just lost 30 lbs. on another low fat diet/fat absorbing pills, and of course I had the nurse that made me take my coat off (I wanted to make the best case I could to my PCP and told her so)...sympathy?...nope, not a word. My PCP came in and we talked, she supported my looking into the lap band and gave me names of surgeons and I picked up the diet plan to review. Then I went to seminars at two hospitals that are 'Centers of Excellence' for bariatric surgery in town (with my skinny DH) and found out what this was all about...I wasn't certain that I'd be approved by insurance...it's like an evil game. I needed to show I was a diet 'failure', so I quit the diet until my official start. I know, this all seems counter-intuitive since I'd just lost those pounds, but it's not like I haven't just been a lot heavier, I'm an expert now an yo-yoing (I just can't KEEP the weight off)...I hate insurance and I'm just starting this (don't they know yo-yoers that are obese have even more health risks?). Well, I can usually gain weight by just looking at the Halloween candy-apply to hip--->here...but eating it as usual I could hardly gain a pound! By the end of the month I was only up a few pounds more (less fast than I normally gain).

So I'm back to where I began...I woke up nervous today...weighed myself...quite a few pounds over 35 BMI...but, what if their scale was different than mine?!...No! I can't be below 35 BMI when I start!!! OK, calm down, I know I've read some things online about this...ankle weights some suggest?...nope, my ethics won't let me go there, sorry...Next-eat a lot before you go...and drink a lot...OK, I can do that...6 bowls of cereal later I was ready to burst...Next-It's snowing for the first time...layers are good and boots certainly are a necessity! OK, I need to time the water just right. I had incontinence surgery 3 yrs. ago (hysterectomy and the sling)...let's just say I was back to the Urologist last week and he told me "You're the first patient I've had where the procedure failed! You'll have to use the back door to leave here so my other patients can't see you, Ha Ha!" Lucky me!...I'm not laughing...because if I do...I'LL PEE! Now back to drinking water...water bottle in hand, I get in the car...the Drs. office is 1/2 hr. away...no problem.

I'm dancing by the time I get there (the pee dance)! 15 min. wait...I get to the room with the Nurse and she pulls the digital scale to the middle of the open door "I need you on the scale" she yells from outside the room. What?!! Was the scale too close to the cabinet that my fat hips couldn't get on where it was...no?!!! Could we maybe close the door...no?!!! I glance wildly side to side to see who heard and if there was any patient coming down the hall who might be scarred by this site. Right, Left, no one...I can do this. I take off my coat and then she says it..."My you have a lot of layers on!"...I wait for the wink thinking she knows I'm worried about the scale...it's not coming..."Yeah, it's cold outside." I manage to squeak out. On the scale I go...uh oh...my evil plan worked...too well! AHHH!!! I'm 15 pounds heavier than my weigh in last month...my scale at home is too light...I've gained a bunch (as usual, but are they going to be mad and not support me getting the Lap Band?)!!! Oh no!!! She flips through my charts. I try to distract her "I feel like I'm back at weigh in's at the group diet meetings-this is so embarressing!" (what did I just say?) Her head doesn't come up from the file...she notices! Are they're going to throw me out in the cold stripped of my layers?? She asks me to sit for my Blood Pressure check (it's been high about a year now and they keep talking about putting me on meds.). "Are you nervous?" she asks. "No!" I SCREAM! "Why? Is something wrong?" I blurt! She looks frightened now..."No, your blood pressure is just really high 158/110!" Wild eyes staring into hers I say "Oh, maybe I'm more nervous about the surgery than I think?" She hustles out and closes the door. Oh no! What's going to happen? What's the doc going to say about my 15 pound weight gain!!!! She's so nice..."Oh, so this will be your first supervised diet/exercise program visit?" she smiles...my heart is starting to calm...No!...she's flipping through the charts!!!...then it happens...I PEE MY PANTS...and once I start it's so hard to stop...SQUEEZE...How many gallons did I need to drink anyway?...SQUEEZE!!! I'd almost forgotten how badly I had to go in all the excitement...she's now talking and looking through my alarming family history...I vaguely remember her talking about hypertension...she's looking through my charts again...NO!...she mentions how long I've had High Blood Pressure...I feel her taking my blood pressure again...then pulling up my pant leg and checking my legs for swelling...NO Ankle weights here!!! (thank God for my ethics)...all I can think about is DO NOT PEE!...next thing I know she's standing at the door beconing me with papers...My mind races...what if I get up and there's a puddle on the table?...darn that evil paper they put on the tables...what to do?...with a smile she waves the form I brought at me...I smile and slowly get up...I turn...I can't believe it...and I say a silent prayer in heaven for the woman (you know it was) who invented the Super-Dooper-Almost-a-Diaper-Pad I'm wearing (which is know hanging heavily low in the crotch of my oh-so-dry pants!). She is walking me back to the reception desk and then presses another paper into my hand...what's this?...a perscription "for your hypertension"....I smile and thank her...Is that a comorbidity? Maybe this will help me get accepted?!!...I deserve this!!! I check out..."Where's the ladies room?" I ask